Notice to prank-minded college students: Get some of those triangular foam Wisconsin cheese hats, and buy a couple of hunks of provolone and Monterey jack at the deli. Then stand around the statue when church lets out, shouting things like, “Why do you remain silent, Cheesus? Do our offerings not please you, Cheesus?”

UPDATE: My friend Spike suggested that somebody should install a gigantic statue of a quarterback on the other side of the highway, getting ready to throw a long pass.

This is what gets affirmed: We live in the city because of the culture of people and institutions, the diversity of experiences for our kids, the fact that it’s the real world. We like being able to walk down the street for a cup of coffee.

Still, demographic trends in Cincinnati are towards the outlying areas. You get more for your money, and there’s simply less crime. People without kids, people who aren’t considering home ownership, young people who are responsible only for themselves and a car payment — they have a hard time understanding why this is a difficult choice.

But fathoming the psychology is very important — not only for the civic-minded urban planners, but also for people who want to see the Democrats return to political relevance.

Pop quiz. This is a message from:

a) Hardcore Christians, to the people they see as coastal elites.
b) Obdurate Democrats, to the Bush administration.
c) Al Qaeda second-banana Al-Zawahri, to the Western world.

The correct answer is ‘c’. But no matter what you picked, you’re in the same boat. A videotaped message, recorded before the election (and notably lacking in nuance) includes this nugget:

Vote whoever you want, Bush, Kerry or the devil himself. This does not concern us. What concerns us is to purge our land from the aggressors.

And if you know your al-Qaeda geography, you know that “this land” includes Palestine, Iraq, the Saudi peninsula, and possibly suburban San Diego. To properly sketch out those borders we would need a more precise understanding of 8th-century gerrymandering.

At least Americans are now united by virtue of being equal opportunity targets. And if you’re playing along at home, you may want to note that statements by Dr. Z track much more closely with subsequent terror attacks than statements made by Mr. Gangly.

Sometimes in airplanes; more often in automobiles, riding up and out of Ohio, through the mountains, coasting down the Chesapeake Bay watershed into the city. My pulse begins to quicken as I join into the bumper-to-bumper, 90-mile-an-hour Beltway traffic.

Years ago I was the detached city kid on the D.C. Metro train, watching the families from the Midwest have too-loud, unironic conversations about seeing the dinosaur bones and ruby slippers at the Smithsonian. Lately I am on the other side of the glass, and a much happier person.

My latest trip confirmed everything about the divide between the Blue and Red states. The chasm of misunderstanding is daunting. The country needs a cultural exchange program within it’s own borders.